5 Seconds

It's like he's waiting for a domino effect to happen and she's supposed to be the trigger. The one who makes the first move. They've been at this over and over and over, for what seems like hours. Taking a quick glance at the clock, she realizes this war has only held a duration of 30 minutes.


Flashbacks swiftly run through her mind. Though it went just as fast as it came. It's bittersweet. For her, swiping through memories is like diving off of a cliff. One moment you feel as if you're a majestic eagle soaring through the sky, on top of the world. The next moment you're left with the realization that your wings aren't strong enough so you spiral down and have no choice but to splash into the cold, cold water. Memories are just memories. You can reminisce on what was and appreciate the times that were. But you're left with the truth that that's all it is. Memories. Recollections. Empty promises.



As the two of them leave to go about their normal routine, her mind races back and forth. People ask, why she's trying. Why an immense amount of effort is given into something that could potentially wreak more havoc than good. For the plausible ability of it all going wrong, she keeps herself guarded. It's the worst feeling when you are easily disposed, as if you are nothing but a commodity that can be disregarded when your worth no longer applies. Pushed aside when something better and shinier comes along. But walls are arbitrary. Barriers prevent growth. Because if there's no growth, then what are we? Her fear is what feeds the barriers. So maybe, my fear of being walked away from is the only thing stopping me from having the one thing people in the world are dying to have - Happiness.


“Memories are just memories. You can reminisce on what was and appreciate the times that were. But you're left with the truth that that's all it is.”


But she knew, deep down, if she truly cared for her own needs and desires, for her own happiness, the aftermath would mimic a tsunami. Disastrous foundation, left with tears and heartaches. So, in a quick glance, her happiness really depended on him. The moment it caused him pain, she would back out. But as long as he fought, she’ll keep her armor on.


Until that moment came that her pain was felt stronger than anything else.


Two weeks later, they found themselves in the same place. Same conversation. Different story, same ending. Their greatest fear. She wanted to give him an ultimatum. Listen or leave. She was fed up. But still, there was something there that tugged on her to stay. To keep fighting. Even if it results in paper cuts while trying to glue everything together. She kept telling herself, if he says one more, one more thing to drive her off the edge, she’s gone.


They sat there, face to face. She's never heard silence ring so loud. She finally broke the ice, you listen to every other person but the one that’s involved. He said, you’re right. That’s actually exactly what happens. The clock on the wall ceased to tick. All she could focus on was him. Her. The situation. She needed to act. Her mind told her to get up, turn around, walk away, and don’t look back. Yet, her heart jumped out of her chest and tied her into her chair only a split second faster than her mind. On the brink of tears, she’s 5 seconds away from giving up. 5 seconds away from forcing herself to forget every good thing that’s happened. 5 seconds away from every good memory. 5 seconds away from the one that made her smile. 5 seconds away from the end.


Love,

Cheya

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