It May Hurt, But I'll Be Okay
Struggling with anxiety and depression, I often believed that no one could ever experience what I experience. I often sunk deep into the feeling of loneliness. Hurtful words, reckless actions, wrong intentions of others would often trap me into feeling bitter, and worse, into a state of dullness.
When my heart races to the point that it feels like it wants to explode out of my chest,
my lungs feel like they have to stretch a mile high only to find an ounce of oxygen,
my fingers tremble, subtly but uncontrollably,
when my mind flashes back and forth between accepting defeat and darkness or searching for even a slither of light,
when my eyes are dry,
from all the tears drained,
all the wrenching cries,
hoping that someone could hear, someone could see,
and you think to yourself, all hope is gone.
You begin to think that there's no way out. That this is just a continuous cycle, unable to be broken.
You begin to think loneliness has become your middle name.
You're probably wondering why I'm able to be so vulnerable on the Internet, where everyone can see.
This is because, I know I'm not alone. Thoughts and emotions can truly get the best of you. If you let it, it can become your master. I'm being transparent, because if there's even one person I can reach out to and inform that
you are not alone,
don't give up,
please stay strong,
then that's one more person with a living testimony to show others, one more person that can be used to glorify God.
I know what it feels like. I know how it feels to be so desperate for the approval of man. I know how it feels to drive yourself crazy trying to find what could be wrong with you when all you've done is show love and care.
Jesus knows too.
He knows. He knows exactly what you're going through.
He's been through it. And worse.
You and I taste salt when the tears flow down our face,
He tasted salt when the blood ran passed his cheeks.
You and I feel overwhelmed with the weight of emotions,
He said, 'My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death.' (Matt. 26:3)
You and I feel like we have no one to trust and everyone to be hated by,
He 'was despised and rejected - a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.' (Isa. 53:3)
When I have these moments, I take a step back, and I point my eyes to the cross. The weight of being overwhelmed, Jesus knew. The weight of being alone, Jesus knew.
Because of the cross, I find refuge and strength. I find love and hope.
Because when my strength has failed, the story I will tell is how His love refused to leave me on my own when I couldn't save myself.
Because, Jesus knows.
And because He knows,
it may hurt,
but I'll be okay. (And you will be too).