When Life Doesn't Go As Planned

It’s been awhile since I’ve updated the blog: these past few months have been c r a z y. I finished up my third year of undergrad, being the most challenging and jam-packed year yet. I had a lot planned for myself, I had such high standards, I had a process, but the year did not go the path I expected it to be. The last three years did not go as planned.

Now entering my fourth and hopefully last year of undergrad, I’m flooded with applications for dental school and pa school. But I’m not sure what’s heavier, the pressure of getting it all done, or the thoughts that I may not be enough, not competitive enough, not smart enough, not competent enough. I took the GRE in August, I’m currently studying for the DAT, and I’m desperately hoping to start in whichever program God's hand leads me to by August 2018.

Truth: I did not prepare myself as thoroughly as I wanted. I overworked myself in academics and extracurriculars. I underestimated how difficult the pre-med route is.

To say the very least, I learned so much about myself. This year has truly opened my eyes to the realization that I have to become better in all aspects of life. I have to give it my all.

From my freshman year, I feel that the only thing that stayed consistent with this process of being a pre-med was that I never felt 100% about being pre-med. And I was surrounded by people who knew what they wanted, why they wanted it, and when they want it.

It being a physician, of course. It being the pursuit of medicine.

I just wasn’t ready. As a freshman in high school, I wasn’t ready to look forward 10 years and still having to study and take tests. I just wasn’t ready to sacrifice the idea of having a family. And most of all, I wasn’t ready to completely put my other passions on hold. To put my life on hold.

But I also wasn’t ready to admit that I was being selfish. I wasn’t ready to believe that I did not want to become a physician and provide the best health-care to the community because I was only wanting to stick my foot in to the water.

I began to give myself false optimism and was not honest with myself and where I was at with the process. I blinded myself to how I was really feeling. Most of all, I blinded myself to the idea that REAL self-awareness, honesty, and self-love were all a part of this process.

I found myself incapable of following my passions. I found myself incapable of putting in 100% of my being into everything. After a while, I was burnt out, and I became stagnant. Stagnant in my pursuit of a career in health-care, stagnant in my pursuit of my passions, stagnant in my relationships, with others and with myself. Soon enough, I was trudging through, just to make it through the day.

This eventually caught up to me. Things that should have been enjoyable to me, wasn’t. And I refused to accept that I was going off-track of my plan, of the process, of the route to getting into medical school. I was upset and disappointed with myself that I was not on track, that did have the fire, the passion, for medicine as those around me did. I ended up sulking. At first it was only for several days. Then the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months.

And then…. I took the steps to change my mindset.

From this experience, I have grown so much stronger with myself. These past three years has been the greatest lesson I’ve learned thus far. (Although it definitely did not feel like it at the time). And it does not matter what people say, but this is my journey. And I know that this journey will prepare for me what God has in store.

In order to move forward, to accept and admit that it’s not the process I imagined, but it’s the right process for me, I had to be 100% honest with where I was at. Once I admitted this, and accepted it, I found who I was. I found my true self. The true grit that comes from my soul, not the surface level. The passion that wakes me up for the day.

In all honesty, I’m not 100% ready, I’m not 100% sure of where I’m going and where I want to be. But I know that I will be. And that these detours I am taking are my own experiences, reference points to look back on. And these ‘mistakes’ are not mistakes, but lessons in which I learn and acquire skills and tactics to deal with the paths down the road.

This is my story. This is my process. And every one has their own story.

Take yours, own it, cherish it. Make the most of what you have.

Accept where you are. Embrace the process. And most of all, challenge yourself to the point of uncertainty, of discomfort.

Because true, real, genuine growth is where you are uncomfortable.




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